Thursday, August 28, 2008

Latest Update from Some Smart-butt

We’re about to enter the peak of hurricane season. Any day now, you’re going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some blob in the Gulf of Mexico, making two basic meteorological points:
There is no need to panic.
We could all be killed.
Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you’re new to the area, you’re probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we’ll get hit by “the big one.” Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple hurricane preparedness plan:
Step 1: Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.
Step 2: Put these supplies into your car.
Step 3: Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Thanksgiving.
Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan and foolishly stay in Florida. We’ll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:
Homeowners Insurance: Fortunately, this insurance is cheap an easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:
It is reasonably well-built, and
It is located in Nebraska
Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because they might required to pay YOU money, and is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place. So you’ll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house.
Shutters: Your house should have hurricane shutters on t all the windows, all the doors – if it’s a major hurricane – all toilets. There are several types of shutters with advantages and disadvantages:
Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you made them yourself, they’re cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself, they will fall off.
Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up. The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself, they will fall off.
Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they’re very easy to use, and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to pay for them.
“Hurricane Proof” windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection they look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska.
Evacuation Route: If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out (to determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your drivers license; if it says “Florida” you live in a low-lying area). The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your hoe when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with 200,000 other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.
Hurricane Supplies: If you don’t evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Don’t buy them now! Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last jar of peanut butter. In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:
23 flashlights and at least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes out, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.
Bleach. No, we don’t know what the bleach is for. Nobody does. But it’s traditional, so get some.
A large quantity of raw chicken to placate the alligators $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man on the street.


Mike said...

Very funny Jay! Is that an original by you?

Rick said...


Jay Reid said...

Not my comments....was circulated via e-mail, so it's on someone's blog. If I knew who, I'd give them major props...

Christine said...

LMAO - this got circulated to us back in 2005 in an email. My cousin who lives in Alaska received it and thought it would be a hoot to send it to us after Charley, Frances and Jeanne came through.

No, he is no longer my favorite cousin. ;)

Not sure what happened, but there used to also be a line in there about the monkeys roaming around. I don't remember how it went, but it really was appropriate after Andrew.

I don't know who did it originally, but it's always fun to see it again. The sad part is - so much of it is true!!!

Thanks for the chuckle! :)

Storm Chasing Mikey said...

Ike, leave for Nebraska ASAP!

Christine said...

*laughs* Ain't that the truth. Would have to take Dew with me though, think she might clobber me if I went to NE without her. ;)

Dewdrop said...

You know that's right!